Trigger Warning: This article contains a list of specific ways men abuse their wives and how many Christians make it worse. If reading specific details triggers you, please read cautiously and discontinue if you feel your anxiety rising.
“God hates divorce.”
To this I say….. “And? Who doesn’t?”
I’ve heard this a million times. I know you have. Yes. God does hate divorce. But so do I. I didn’t WANT to be a divorced woman. But It was necessary.. and THANK GOD I did it!!
“God hates divorce” comes from Malachi 2:16. Different translations state it differently, but regardless, he also clearly hates violence and the hatred that men deliver to their wives. That’s why it says “God hates divorce.” He’s saying “Don’t be like this because God would hate it for you to have to get a divorce.” He also says in the same breath, “Do not deal treacherously with the wife of your youth.”
Many Christians have somehow misconstrued the value of the individual by upholding “The sanctity of the union” higher than the worth of the individual.
There’s a disconnect between the heart of God and the message of too many churches. Too often Christians send the message that once you get married, there’s no turning back. This, my dear friends, is why so many men feel like they can get away with abuse, especially if they never leave a bruise or mark on their wives, and how so many women get stuck. “I never laid a hand on her!” They think that means they were never physically abusive. Too many women believe that if he didn’t have a physical affair with another woman and never struck her with his hand, she has no “grounds for divorce.” Their husbands think lusting after other women and having an addiction to pornography is justified and admissible because he never touched them. Women reach out for help from their church because they know something is seriously wrong, but she’s told “submit more,” “do more,” “give him more sex,” “take vitamins to increase your sex drive,” “look inward to see what you’re doing to cause him to be this way,” “stick it out because you are obviously called to lead him closer to God,” “he needs an accountability partner,” “get Covenant Eyes,” “just pray together more,” “get counseling,” “did he ever hit you? No? Then you need to stay and pray for him to change,” and the list goes on and on and on…
Please stop putting women at risk for their lives and their children’s lives by making them believe they aren’t worthy of basic human rights. Emotional abuse is severe. Sexual abuse is physical abuse. Any show of destruction is domestic violence. There is much more to it than affairs and beatings. “Dealing treacherously” includes direct and indirect violence, verbal violence, covert and overt threats, gas-lighting, crazy-making, lying, humiliation, slave-driving, enforcing unequal rights or authority… the list goes on for days.
Would you be okay with a man forcing his secretary have sex with him during office hours, at his desk, against her will, threatening her job if she doesn’t? What makes it different if they are married? She’s uncomfortable, she says no, he threatens and forces her. Married or not – this is abuse.
What if said boss forces his secretary to wait on him hand and foot, calls her incompetent, yells at her, throws her belongings from her desk across the room, denies her the ability to do her work, treats her like a slave, scolding her if she does anything incorrectly, gas-lighting her, and accusing her of being crazy – then blaming her for not getting her secretarial work done (after consuming her entire day waiting on him). Would you be okay with that? What if they were married? What makes abuse okay simply because of marriage? Nothing.
The abusive husband: He twists her words, he tells her what she should and shouldn’t think, feel, and believe, he tells her he’s above her, he tells her she’s created to serve him, he doesn’t let her sleep, he claims he has more rights than she has because he’s a man and he’s her husband, he justifies pornography (which by the way falls into the category of adultery! Matt 5:28), he demands her obedience, he rewrites history, changes the rules, makes her late, forces her to comply with all sexual desires – raping if he has to – accuses her of disrespect when she disagrees with him or denies his requests, generates fear in her through threats, both covert and overt, breaks her belongings, ruins her heirlooms – or worse, trashes them – punches holes in the walls, throws things, puffs up to display his self-believed-strength, accuses her of adultery, eaves-drops and reads her personal messages, isolates her, chooses her friends, chooses her clothing, criticizes her appearance, brainwashes her to believe she’s causing all the problems —- shall I keep going? Because I can. Tell me how ANY of this is okay to do to another human being just because they are married? YOU CAN’T. So the ignorant then say “Why do you let him do that?” The answer is – she’s not letting him! She tries to correct him, she tries to get help, she tries to hold on, she tries to rise above but he is too powerful and oppressive and she will pay the consequences if she challenges him and he will never admit guilt to any of it! He denies any of it! If he ever admits anything, it’s a partial admission with minimization and “justification”. He’s a pro. Abuse is ultimately all about power and control. His mindset is what makes him an abuser, and he will use any tactic to gain the power and control he seeks. Even if it means turning around and being a “victim” in the end.
The bottom line is: God loves his children. 1 John 3:1 “The Father has loved us so much that we are called children of God.” And we are called to treat each other with love – married or not: 1 John 3:18 “My children, we should love people not only with words and talk, but by our actions and true caring.”
In 2 Peter 3:7 the instruction is given for husbands to treat their wives with understanding and honor. “…She is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.”
If this behavior of dishonor, oppression, hatred, inequality, physical harm, invocation of fear, and supreme authority has continued after multiple attempts to seek help and correct it, get out and get safe.
Titus 3:10-11 – As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.
So NOW – because the church told her to stay, she has CPTSD, has chronic health issues, NO identity, can’t fulfill her purpose the Lord gave her, can’t think for herself, doesn’t know how to raise her kids, her KIDS now think this is normal and get into the same types of relationships, her kids think God loves men more than women, she’s suicidal, the kids grow up with mental and emotional issues — again.. SHALL I KEEP GOING???
Get help ladies. KNOW YOUR WORTH. You don’t need permission from ANYONE to be safe. God already gave it to you. Everyone down here just has opinions. Find out what GOD says…. not anyone else!! Not even me. Take it to God.
Isaiah 41:10 – Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am the Lord your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.
Psalm 55:17 – Evening and morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.
Psalm 46:1 – God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.
Isaiah 40:29 – He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Deuteronomy 31:6 – The Lord your God… will neither fail you nor abandon you.
Psalm 63:7-8 – Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.
**Please also note that in no way do I believe that abuse is only afflicted by men onto women. I KNOW that women abuse men – however my specific focus for this article happens to be this particular dynamic because of the way it hides so easily in the church**